This was a note I wrote on Facebook on the 13th day of my mom’s passing. I thought I would share this too here.
Today marks the 13th day since my mom became free from the pain and sufferance. According to Hinduism now she has become a free spirit. Although it’s hard for me to pen down how I feel, I want to pour down some of my feelings through words.
The mornings are hard. It takes some time for me to fully realize what has happened but then slowly it comes back again. I lay down still for a moment and find courage to face the day again. Her voices ring in my head. I remember the times when she used to wake me up for school.
The last time I talked to her she was in the hospital. She could barely talk with life support machines surrounding her. She asked me not to come running back leaving behind everything that I’ve worked hard for five and half years. She said she will be okay and asked me not to worry. We both knew it was not true. She was very far from being okay. I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for her to say those words to me. What mother wouldn’t want to see her child who she hasn’t seen in almost six years . No one knows the inner workings of my mother’s mind more than I do. I have been her confidant for many years. I know she always wanted the best for me. During this difficult time some people have called me heartless for not visiting my dying mother. What do they know? I don’t need to prove my love for my mother to anyone.
We say we live in a free world but we are bound by these laws that confine us to a certain place. Being a citizen of this world we have to abide by the rules silently. I constantly asked “why her?”. That question doesn’t help. Cancer doesn’t know how good of a person she was. As they say cancer is a bitch. We have to swallow the truth like a bitter medicine.
Repeatedly listening to her voicemail which she had left on my phone about a year ago is not helping. I have to find the strength to let her go. For now I have become a daughter to my grandmother who has lost her only daughter, a sister to brothers who have lost their only sister. I have to be strong for my father who sees images of my mom in me and I have a motherly responsibility to my brother. My mom has fulfilled all her duties as a mother. She has raised my brother and me with all her values and morals. We have grown up. No one will ever love me as much as my mom did. I will always miss her but I will try to make her sacrifices worthwhile.
Thank you everyone for being with me and my family and for listening to my ramblings throughout these months. It has made me feel a lot better. Thirteen days ago she was far away from me but now she is within me.
P.S. I would also like to thank Tool and Maynard James Keenan for the epic that is 10,000 days. It has truly helped me.