I have decided to include my brother’s writing on my blog. I have not seen him in almost 6 years in real life but we are still connected. In order for me not to be worried about him, I wanted him to express his thoughts through words. He expresses it better in words than in speech. It was important for me to know how he is really feeling after what our family went through. Then he sent me this piece of writing. So presenting my brother’s thoughts and writing below y’all:
I am writing and as I write this, a lot of thoughts are running through my head, a lot of people in my setting that matter, a lot of things i need to attend to, a lot of things I think I need and want to attend to and the things that surround me like thorns, lovely lights, hateful scars and the unseen.
Memories and pain of the losses on the back of my mind reminding me of just how painful things can get. And also the strength in us that arise in turmoil. Even with relatively little experience than that of those who have been through rougher times, more times than one could count or even imagine.
I am aware of something inside me that I can’t really describe in words accurately. A cruel presence, a ticking bomb waiting to explode, an undefined energy within me. It’s good as I optimistically hope.
It just might be the mess of thoughts that’s bursting loud to be arranged, fragmented, or cleared up in some kind of systematic fashion. I am writing in hope of this unseen and heavy cruel presence that I’m feeling to take some kind of form and a pattern clear enough to be read. It’s neither physical nor emotional. It’s just present….in an unexplainable frustration, a hint of some grand event yet to be witnessed, a storm yet to pass, like an illness yet to be cured. Realizing it being a “change” in broader perspective that I need to make in a lot of levels in myself.
Change – a shifting of perspective
Change – breaking the shame
Change – the unexpected
Change – the permanent
Change – the process of nature
Change – the cycle
Change – the necessary
Change – the unavoidable
Maybe all I need to do is expect, embrace and empathize to quantify the internal potential changes for a better version of myself for others, for a better setting, for a better season, for a better weather, for a better year,…for better life for myself and of those who love me. Maybe all these “perceived frustrations” is a realization of what the people who genuinely love us have to offer for a better versions of ourselves. As we are running through our individual matters, submerged in our own world of thoughts and rigid beliefs.
As I’m turning grateful of having such loving presence in my life and the unlimited offers of changes. I feel lucky and ready to be accepting them. And for this I send my love and positive energy to the ones I have lost as it is all I can do in hopes of them smiling somewhere in a bright place as I’d like to imagine. Although, I can never be sure if this is a one way conversation or two. Because they might be replying me in some other forms we don’t really understand. Because I cannot feel them in this life..well not anymore.
Change – A process of perceived cruel frustration turning into a recipe of a better version of oneself and to those that matter in one simple writing.
– Aasutosh Dhoj Karki